Archive for October, 2004

October 25, 2004

23 years ago today…

So today, Oct. 25th is my 23rd Bday.

Normally Octobers are great. They are the last month of the year before things get crappy (I despise winter, it depresses the hell out of me). October is when the leaves are changing, the weather isn’t too hot or cold, it’s my Bday, and Halloween!

This has been one bad October. It all started the beginning of this month. I woke up the first Sunday and felt like I had the flu give and take a few symptoms. It wasn’t til a couple days later that I put two and two together that the reason I was sick was because of a bug bite on my lower back. That’s why I was dizzy, sick, and in muscle/back pains. I don’t have memory of being bit at all but I think I either got bit outside of the show we played at the California Inn in Laurel (because that was the night before I started feeling sick) or else by my house (because I saw ticks on the balcony). I probably either got bit by a spider or a tick, I still don’t know for sure. (Tests for lyme disease come out negative 80-90% in the first few weeks because it’s harder to detect. I wish they woulda told me that before I took the test which came out negative that cost me over $130 that I just have to take over again in a couple weeks!) But based on all my symptoms the doctor put me on medication for lyme disease just in case. All I know is that WHATEVER it is I got from whatever bug, it really screwed me up! For one, I’ve been dizzy for weeks. I’ve been dizzy for so long that I can’t remember what it feels like to not be dizzy. Some days are worse than others. But basically I started to think I was feeling better after getting the lyme disease medicine aside from being dizzy, tired, and some muscle aches. I was at least better than before.

Then the week after I first started feeling sick, I started getting heartburn, absolute fatigue, hearing problems, and being so dizzy that I couldn’t walk or even stand at many times. I was sleeping all day and only awake a total of like 6 hours each day. And most of those times I was awake I was just in bed but not doing anything, couldn’t get up. It turns out that because of whatever it is I have my immune system is weak. So what woulda been just basic sinuses turned into a bacterial infection of the ears, or the ear flu since my body couldn’t fight it off. Which is why my hearing was messed up and I had lost my balance so badly. So I’m still on medication to clear up that infection. My hearing still isn’t normal but it’s a lot better than it was before. Things are more muted and my pitch was really off (everything sounded lower in pitch, even people’s voices. It was so weird!)

Anyways by this time I had missed a week of work! It sucked! I’ve always been the type of person that I don’t want to let sickness get in the way of my routine. Even in elementary/middle/high school, I’d go to school when I’d be really sick. My mom would be like you have to stay home and I’d be like NO! I’m going to school! Hahah kind of the opposite of normal I guess. I just don’t like to let things control me. I like to think I can handle things. But this time I really just could not go into work. I couldn’t stand let alone drive. Well after I got my medications for the ear infection I went back to work the next day. I figured yeah I am still dizzy but they put me on an ear patch that somewhat reduces it so I figured I’d be okay. Well apparantly that was a big mistake. I went back to work “too soon” and didn’t give myself enough chance to rest.

I knew that I was pushing myself because a couple hours into my shifts, I’d start feeling chest pains and heart burn started coming back. And my back would have pains. But I just tried to ignore it because damnit I just wanted things to be back to normal and I wanted to just put all this behind me. My dizziness started getting worse and I started feeling more lightheaded. Finally on Tuesday night/Wednesday morning it got even worse. I kept waking up in the middle of the night because I’d have trouble breathing and I had sharp pains in my chest, heart, and back. I still went to work and as soon as I got there, everyone noticed that I looked sick so they took me to the doctor’s. It was really embarassing because I was in a meeting when I started having chest attacks and people saw it. I got so lightheaded and my back/chest hurt so much I felt like I was going to fall over and faint. I really wanted to just hide from everyone. But everyone was really understanding so and helpful. A co-worker of mine took me to the doctor’s. I thought I either was having asthma (which I used to have when I was younger) or that maybe I had bronchitis. Turns out that I have anxiety. Surprised the hell out of me that that is what was happening because I don’t feel like that is my problem. I’m not one of these people that can’t handle my shit. It’s just that again because I have a weak immune system my body is having trouble fighting off just basic things. So I guess the stress of being sick which I wasn’t even really aware of took a toll on me and I couldn’t fight it anymore. And I didn’t let myself rest enough to really heal.

So I have been having off and on chest pains, heart speeding up, pain while breathing. And of course the dizziness. I’ll feel good one second, then absolutely tired the next. And I’ll feel okay then the next minute it’s hard to concentrate on basic things. I am constantly drinking, drinking, drinking water. I have to stay hydrated. It’s really important.

So of course I had to miss even more work. Which of course sucks financially but also I don’t like just staying home and not doing anything. I just feel lazy and worthless. Plus it stresses me out more because I am falling behind on my production and I have a lot to get caught up on. And I’m just scared that my work is going to get fed up with me being sick after a while (they have been great to me so far though). And on top of missing work and all that, my insurance doesn’t kick in til next month. So I have spent hundreds and hundreds of dollars on top of hundreds more than I still owe and refills that I have to get that won’t be covered yet by insurance. Some of the meds I’m on I will have to be on for at least a couple more months but the good part is at least those will be refilled while I’m on insurance so that’s at least good. I’m not supposed to drink on these meds either so no drunkness for me for at least a couple months! But oh well, it’s not the end of the world. Things could be a lot worse, you know?! I could have gotten more serious illnesses so I’m thankful that what I have isn’t that horrible.

But what sucks is this weekend was supposed to be So much fun for me! I was looking forward to it. My Bday weekend! And Shippensburg University was nice enough to have set up and fully paid for to shoot a video for “Consent to You” this weekend since we are getting lots of play on their college station. I couldn’t wait to go do it! Our first music video! I was so pumped! And we’d be getting drunk in the hotel room to celebrate my bday and all that! And I’d get to be a zombie! Well this was before all this sickness crap went down. I could not go! I can’t travel right now cuz of my absolute dizziness. And I need to rest so that my heart will be okay. And plus the meds I’m on my face gets all swelled up at times, I’d look horrible anyways. And it couldn’t get rescheduled because everything was already set up and the production crew, scheduling, etc. It just couldn’t be rescheduled for another weekend, which I understand. But it succcccks so bad that I couldn’t get to be a part of it! So we have a video for “Consent to You” and damnit I’m not in it! I’m not really mad at anyone, it’s no one’s fault. It’s just depressing that I couldn’t be a part of it. That I had to stay home doing nothing while everyone got to be in the video and have fun. And I’m always going to have to explain that I wasn’t in the video because I’m fucking 23 years old but I have heart problems! I feel like an old grandma or something; having heartburn and I’m in my 20s. God, I feel like such a freakin’ loser and I’m just embarassed about the whole thing.

I shoulda been going to Sonar tonight getting drunk, celebrating my bday. And then I should be getting my party on Monday at Fletchers for Noise in the Basement. Matt Davis said he was gonna make sure I got trashed and get me all these Jagerbombs and make sure everyone knew it was my bday. I am supposed to be having so much fun tonight. But I can’t even go! I can’t go out because I need to rest. Even though it kills me that I can’t go out! Even if I could go, I can’t drink. But most importantly I just need to spend the night resting. I just feel bad cuz last week (before I knew I was having heart problems for sure) I made a big deal to everyone and told everyone to come out Monday for my bday and they’re gonna see that I’m not there. And I don’t want people to think I told them to come out and then I just didn’t show up.

But Matt Davis is the man! I love him! He announced on the radio tonight it was my bday and aired “Consent to You” so that cheered me up since I had been feeling down. And then Dan from VDB and Steve from FEOH Records were on the air too and they said I was hot!!!! (If they saw how swelled my face is right now though they would not think I am hot) And Matt said for everyone to come out to our show on Oct. 30 @ the Royal since that’s my Bday Bash/Masquerade Ball/Halloween fun! (since I can’t actually celebrate tonight).

And Cait and Kevin made me so happy the other night! They tricked me! They pretended like they were taking a shower hahahaha. But instead they were building me these beautiful shelves for the bathroom for me to organize all my stuff on. I was so surprised! It was so nice of them! Everytime I go to the bathroom, I’m like whoah! This is so pretty and functional! Haha. It’s this really pretty wood finish and it adds so much space to the bathroom. They put a lot of thought and work into it, and it really made me feel so special that they were so thoughful.

Anyways, I will be taking care of myself. I will be better. I will be at rocking the hell out at the Oct. 30, even if it kills me! I’m determined to try to get things back to as normal as possible. I just want things to be back to my routine and not have to be sick anymore. I’m sick of being sick! I just want to be normal again.

I want to thank everyone who’s had to put up with me. I know I’ve been difficult to deal with lately to those close to me. I swear I don’t WANT to be difficult! I want to be as easy and non-complicated as a person as possible! So to those of you who have had to put up with me, thank you so much and I’m not going to always be so hard to deal with. I will be “normal” again someday!

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October 14, 2004

Rabid Dog

Mood : sick
Music : Bjork – Joga

Was that a rabid dog?! Oh wait, no. That was our President on the tele tonight, foaming at the mouth.

What really gets on my nerves is how when asked many types of questions, Mr. Bush wouldn’t answer them. He answered questions about the economy with an answer about education. I know that education in the long run helps the economy but he avoided answers to direct questions.

October 12, 2004

The Ultimate Silence

October 12, 1998

Listen to the mustn’ts, child.
Listen to the don’ts.
Listen to the shouldn’ts,
The impossibles, the won’ts.
Listen to the never haves,
Then listen close to me …
Anything can happen, child.
Anything can be.

~ Shel Silverstein

Six years ago today, Matthew Shepard was murdered for being homosexual.

What will you do to end the silence?

October 9, 2004

Cut the kids in half

Radiohead gone bluegrass. Listen to Rodeohead.

Click here for amusement.